One of the things that I really enjoy about blogging is that it lets me look at some things in my life a little more closely, and it encourages me to put things into words that I would normally just leave as vague thoughts. Journal writing never did this for me. I would write for a few days, then forget about it for a few weeks. I could never keep up the discipline. I don't understand why blogging is different for me - perhaps the percieved audience of readers keeps me accountable in some strange way.
I've been thinking alot about my eye problems. (It's still feeling good, by the way. Thanks for asking.) Why would God put such a trial in my life at this time? I am sure there is an answer to that question, and not one that includes "bad things happen to good people for no reason all the time", although sometimes I believe that to be true. No, there is a lesson to be learned here, I just know that there is.
First off, the lesson is NOT "why me?" I figured out pretty early on that that was the total wrong question to be asking. In fact, most of the "why" questions were not worth asking. "Why did this happen - did I do something wrong? Do I have some disease of the eye? Did I neglect my eye health?" None of these questions - and I asked Dr K most of them - go down a path that helps in any way. Lots of people are prone to a corneal problem, and most of them don't experience symptoms the way I did. Sometimes you can't prevent bad things from happening to you.
So what did I learn? Plenty. To begin with, you don't have to see a problem to know that there is a problem. I think our society is so hung up on evidence and facts that we really do ourselves an injustice when it comes to intuition, hunches, feelings, and faith. I knew something was wrong with my eye, yet a doctor and an eye doctor could not find anything wrong with me. It took a specialist to find the problem. I need to trust myself and to keep working out a problem until I find a solution - even if everyone around me doesn't see the problem that I know is there.
Second, I needed the physical pain to give myself some time and space to deal with some emotional pain that I had been carrying around for awhile. I processed some stuff, and then took the rest and tucked it away and never knew I was still carrying it around until the pain of my eye put me in bed for a few days. I was able to mourn some things that I had forgotten that I had lost. When I think about it, I'm pretty grateful that I was forced to deal with my emotions in this way, because otherwise, I might have turned to some self-destructive behaviors that wouldn't have been good for anyone.
Finally, I think that I needed to be reminded just how good God has been to me. So I had to get my eye scraped off (twice) - I'm still very very blessed. I have a wonderful husband, two great kids, and a life that makes me happy. My extended family include some of the best people you could ever hope to meet. My friends are always there for me.
So, why did God put this trial in my life at this time? Because He knew that I needed it. Does God put bad things in our life for good reasons? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. Sometimes bad things happen that God did not intend for us. Sometimes there is no nice little lesson to be learned. Still, in those times, I think that God can take our pain and troubles and redeem them. "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28