Samuel is home sick today. He was up several times in the night with a fever. He worries me so much when he's sick because he's so blase about how he feels. He doesn't complain or moan. He was lying awake in his bed with his light on, and he told me he was just waiting for someone else to wake up. I gave him some medicine for the fever, some water and some sprite, and a cold washcloth for his head. Then I fell into restless sleep, dreaming that I tried to do all the things I was going to do today while Samuel slept at home. I'd call to check on him, and he'd be scared and crying and I'd try to get back home to him and then I'd wake up . . . of course I'd NEVER leave a five year old kid home alone, which is probably the whole point of the nightmare. So after I got Sally off to school, I made the phone calls and emails to clear my schedule for the day. I know that my first priority is to my kids, and that I am certainly doing what is right by staying home to take care of him, and that the world will not fall apart without my wonderful presence for one day. But there is still the guilt, feeling like I am letting people down. I feel like I should be old enough to be over this kind of stuff.
It's very windy today. There are fires in several places in LA county today, and the wind is making things very dangerous. Days like these are surreal to me.
I'm going to go make some bread. I hope that baking - something homey and comfy and warm and good - will make me and my family feel safe.