The following post contains details from the latest
LOST and last week's HOUSE. Please stop reading
if you care about things like that.
I finally watched an episode of House that had been sitting on the DVR for over a week. I've been going in and out of liking House lately. It's like watching the news - after a while, you need a break. Anyway, I had a free hour on Tuesday so I sat down and watched it. It was the one where Kutner dies. Where Kutner kills himself.
This is the third suicide this year. Third in three months. The first one I can't even talk about. The second one I probably could talk about, but I won't. It was a friend who used to be in my life, but who hasn't been in several years. There are things I could say, but I won't. I don't feel like I should. But the third - well, don't think that it did not occur to me that it shouldn't be in the same category because Kutner is fictional. Yes, I get that. Kutner is not real. But there lies the freedom to finally talk about suicide - there is no family to offend with a fictional person. There are no secrets that should be kept. There is nothing wrong with writing about a fictional character killing himself (other than the fact that it's weird that I'm so upset by it, but read on - you'll see).
This episode of House shook me up. Even now, two days later, I am having trouble putting down my feelings. So much so, in fact, that I have even considered that I should not write this. I thought about writing it on paper and shoving it under my bed. I thought about opening an anonymous blog and putting it up there. And then I decided not to. These are the musings of a mommy too - it's not all nice stories about what cute things the kids are saying and pictures of knitting. Maybe the reason there are so many suicides is that people think that they are alone with their bad feelings, that some people have a perfect life with a perfect marriage and nice kids and a comfortable house and that it's all good all the time. Well, that's a lie. Nobody has that. Everyone has days where the sadness and the bad thoughts and the need and the hunger are pushing past the door that you usually keep closed.
So I'm thinking all of this when I watch LOST last night, and Daniel is killed by his mother. Who writes this twisted crap? I mean, when Ben killed John Locke, that wasn't such a stretch - Ben is a monster. But to have Daniel killed by his mother? I was so shocked. And then again, another fictional character. To be so upset by things that aren't real. Then it hit me - maybe I'm not upset by things that are fictional, but that the fiction is so close to life. That there are things in real life that are sad and upsetting and hard to talk about, so we watch sad shows and read sad books and say we are saddened by them, but it's all just covering up the sad things that we don't want to talk about. I know I'd rather write about Daniel's mother than about my own failings as a mother. I'd rather write about how I felt watching House try to figure out why Kutner shot himself in the head than to write about my own thoughts and feelings about my friend who decided that he had enough of life.
What's the point? Do I have one? I know when I sat down and started typing I had a clear direction of where this was heading, and I have lost it. Maybe the point was to write it down. Nothing further than that. To write it down and get it out of my head and put it out there. Maybe someone will read this and know they are not alone. Maybe I'm just trying to not think about the fact that when I woke up this morning, my eye was stuck closed, and even though I think my cornea is ok, the thought that I may rip it again paralyzes me with fear and makes me so angry - so very angry - at the randomness of it all. I don't know anymore. I do know that I am out of time - it's time to go to school - so I need to wrap this up. Do I save it and finish later? Or do I publish now, with no nice ending, no silver lining, no assurances that this too will pass and tomorrow will be cute kid stories and finished knitting?
Publish now. It seems to fit.