Thursday, April 30, 2009

dimly lit places

******************Spoiler alert!******************
The following post contains details from the latest
LOST and last week's HOUSE. Please stop reading
if you care about things like that.

I finally watched an episode of House that had been sitting on the DVR for over a week. I've been going in and out of liking House lately. It's like watching the news - after a while, you need a break. Anyway, I had a free hour on Tuesday so I sat down and watched it. It was the one where Kutner dies. Where Kutner kills himself.

This is the third suicide this year. Third in three months. The first one I can't even talk about. The second one I probably could talk about, but I won't. It was a friend who used to be in my life, but who hasn't been in several years. There are things I could say, but I won't. I don't feel like I should. But the third - well, don't think that it did not occur to me that it shouldn't be in the same category because Kutner is fictional. Yes, I get that. Kutner is not real. But there lies the freedom to finally talk about suicide - there is no family to offend with a fictional person. There are no secrets that should be kept. There is nothing wrong with writing about a fictional character killing himself (other than the fact that it's weird that I'm so upset by it, but read on - you'll see).

This episode of House shook me up. Even now, two days later, I am having trouble putting down my feelings. So much so, in fact, that I have even considered that I should not write this. I thought about writing it on paper and shoving it under my bed. I thought about opening an anonymous blog and putting it up there. And then I decided not to. These are the musings of a mommy too - it's not all nice stories about what cute things the kids are saying and pictures of knitting. Maybe the reason there are so many suicides is that people think that they are alone with their bad feelings, that some people have a perfect life with a perfect marriage and nice kids and a comfortable house and that it's all good all the time. Well, that's a lie. Nobody has that. Everyone has days where the sadness and the bad thoughts and the need and the hunger are pushing past the door that you usually keep closed.

So I'm thinking all of this when I watch LOST last night, and Daniel is killed by his mother. Who writes this twisted crap? I mean, when Ben killed John Locke, that wasn't such a stretch - Ben is a monster. But to have Daniel killed by his mother? I was so shocked. And then again, another fictional character. To be so upset by things that aren't real. Then it hit me - maybe I'm not upset by things that are fictional, but that the fiction is so close to life. That there are things in real life that are sad and upsetting and hard to talk about, so we watch sad shows and read sad books and say we are saddened by them, but it's all just covering up the sad things that we don't want to talk about. I know I'd rather write about Daniel's mother than about my own failings as a mother. I'd rather write about how I felt watching House try to figure out why Kutner shot himself in the head than to write about my own thoughts and feelings about my friend who decided that he had enough of life.

What's the point? Do I have one? I know when I sat down and started typing I had a clear direction of where this was heading, and I have lost it. Maybe the point was to write it down. Nothing further than that. To write it down and get it out of my head and put it out there. Maybe someone will read this and know they are not alone. Maybe I'm just trying to not think about the fact that when I woke up this morning, my eye was stuck closed, and even though I think my cornea is ok, the thought that I may rip it again paralyzes me with fear and makes me so angry - so very angry - at the randomness of it all. I don't know anymore. I do know that I am out of time - it's time to go to school - so I need to wrap this up. Do I save it and finish later? Or do I publish now, with no nice ending, no silver lining, no assurances that this too will pass and tomorrow will be cute kid stories and finished knitting?

Publish now. It seems to fit.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Spring Break Recap

Today the kids are back at school. (Sam isn't yet, but he will be in about twenty minutes :) ) We had a busy and fun week together last week. Easter was nice and relaxing - we went to church, then had a few friends over for a big dinner. The kids and I cleaned out the garage a little bit and played at home together at the beginning of the week, and then on Thursday and Friday we went down to San Diego (we love it there) and took the kids to SeaWorld. We all went on the Atlantis ride (Sam is finally barely tall enough) and it was a blast. That was my highlight. We stayed at the DoubleTree Hotel, and while it's a nice hotel, we will never stay there again. The parking is ridiculous. It has to be the narrowest parking lot we have ever been in - I don't know how some of the cars made it through - seriously THAT narrow. Saturday morning Sally and I walked the 5K Get Fit Fun Run at a nearby park - she pushed me pretty hard, too! I wanted to walk, and she wanted to jog. I'd jog for a block or two, then go back to walking. She'd jog ahead, then walk back to me. I told her next year she'd have to bring a running buddy, or I'll have to train more! :) Sunday she had a soccer game, and her team won! That's always fun. We went to a short ice cream party after the game, then came home and the kids swam for a little bit. It was a really hot day - the pool was over 70 degrees - still too cold for me though.

I've been doing some reading, some knitting, and some painting too (the kids and I painted an old cabinet with drawers and we are going to use it for craft stuff in the garage). But now I'm off to school.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

sixty-eight degrees

About a week ago, we had a really hot weekend. It was well over ninety degrees and the kids were hot. "Can we swim? Please?"Sure, go right ahead. It looks lovely, but it's way cold. Sixty-eight degrees cold. Didn't slow them down at all. They jumped right in.
Crazies. Their lips were still slightly blue AFTER a warm bath/shower. They would say to tell you that it was totally worth it. (Don't you just love the blue color of the water in these pics? I cannot wait for summer!)

The Pink Sweater

The pink sweater is finally finished, and I do love it. I'm really glad that it fits. (I was worried there for awhile.) I changed the sleeves to be longer than the pattern calls for, and I'm very happy with how they turned out. If I had to do it over again, I'd make it 1-2 inches longer, but since I'll always wear a shirt under it, it's not really a big deal.(I'm still figuring out the best way to do these self-portraits. Another work in progress.)

For the knitters:
Pattern: Hey Teach! from
Yarn: Cotton Ease from Lion Brand Yarn in Berry (4 skeins)

This was my first official lace project, and I even used the chart in the pattern (in the past, I have taken the chart and written out the stitch instructions in words) and it was actually pretty fun. And I think I did it without any mistakes at all! :)

Thursday, April 02, 2009

The Quotable Sally

"'Gig' means 'song' in rock."
~Sally, aka Tessa, on lead guitar
(check out that rock stance!)

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

RIP Lizzie

Today we are sad to announce that another hermit crab has died. Lizzie was a good hermit crab who loved to crawl on Sally's hands.

Services will be this evening. She will be buried with Krabby (the first hermit crab that died) and the baby lizard that died in September.

Sally is not taking any calls at this time. She's very upset about Lizzie.